Out of Reach

How can something

Be so close,

As close as my own

Breath,

And still remain

Unattainable?

 

 

I reach,

I stretch,

It’s all around me,

Everywhere,

But I cannot grab hold

Of it.

 

 

The scent of it

Fills me,

Disorients

And confuses me,

Because it is.

 

 

It’s in the smell

Of fresh bread

Drifting from the bakery,

Lazily engulfing me.

 

 

It’s in exhaust

Thrown in thick clouds

From the tailpipes of cars

Working overtime

In the cold.

 

 

It’s the smell of a caramel macchiato

Mingling

With that of too many bodies

Packed tight

Inside a large mobile

Metal box.

 

 

In the stomach-threatening

Inevitability

Of whole shops choked

With artificial cinnamon

And pine,

It’s there.

 

 

It’s amid

The mad-dash rush

Of consumerism,

Filling stockings

And emptying wallets.

 

 

It’s in the calls and the ringing

Of the bell-ringers,

Standing in the snow

For charity

Outside over-priced

Department stores,

And everything their presence

Represents.

 

 

All of these things pronounce it,

Over megaphones,

Loudspeakers,

And chipper music

Piped in for the

Holidays.

 

 

Yet I can’t find it

Anywhere.

I feel like a

Blindfolded fool,

Stumbling this way and that

Inside a round room,

Eternally searching

For a corner

In which

To sit.

 

12-17-2018

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I Want Love

I want love that’s soft and warm

on a cold day,

snuggled up on the couch by a fire,

comfortable in its silence.

 

I want love that balances the chaos

with calm,

not an intense fire that scalds,

and burns,

and dies,

before it really even has a chance

to live.

 

I want intertwined limbs

mingling flesh,

and breath,

and souls paired just right.

 

I want love like iced peppermint tea

sweetened with honey

on a hot summer’s day,

pouring gently down my throat,

fighting the heat.

 

I want love that doesn’t look

like a model,

or a piece of modern art.

 

I want love that’s as natural

as a cattail,

soft and flexible.

 

I want flaws,

visible and real,

adding character

to an otherwise ordinary face.

 

I want love that laughs

with their whole body,

until the tears

stream down

their cheeks.

 

I want love

that understands when I crumble,

and will still be there

when I manage

to collect myself.

 

I want love that will remain

when I’m old

and grey,

and will someday smile

as my ashes

blow away in the wind.

7-14-15

Monkshood

Monkshood,

Would you dance with me?

Beloved aconite,

I would swim within your arms,

and never would I fight.

 

Lay me down in bitter sleep,

Take me to my dreams.

Let the world be ripped asunder,

Nothing’s what it seems.

 

6-15-14

A Threat of Annihilation

I fear you will disintegrate

before I get to touch you;

that by some cruel whim

of the eldritch gods,

you will turn to mist

and vanish

as I draw

near.

 

My soul,

and all that’s in me,

recoils as if against a flame,

at the memories,

and the hidden wounds,

of all the years

we’ve lost.

 

Every word I speak to you

I taste,

I measure,

I peel apart

ever so carefully,

then I piece them back together

before I set them,

hesitantly,

at your feet.

 

Which words will draw you

near?

which words will push you

just

out of reach?

And what occult combinations

of syllables joined,

like links in Fenrir’s chain,

will banish you

unwittingly

from me

forever?

 

The thought weighs too much,

I can’t hold it steady.

To lose you again,

so soon,

or ever,

would mean to be swallowed,

engulfed

in thick black India ink;

covered into

nothingness.

 

As the darkness eats the light,

all color,

all breath,

all being,

all that once was this thing called “me”

would be consumed,

blacked-out of existence

like a classified name,

leaving only the black stain

that devoured me.

Without you there is only

annihilation.

 

1/20/2017

 

 

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