Broken

Clara stretched, yawned, and pressed the little button to shut off her alarm. She slid out of bed, showered, then slipped on a summer dress and twisted and clipped her long greying hair into a knot.

She stood back and admired herself in the mirror, noting that while she wasn’t as slender as she’d once been, she was still beautiful, elegant even. She then grabbed her purse and made her way to the elevator.

Clara and Margaret, her neighbor and former oldest friend, usually arrived at the elevator at the same time, and Clara was somewhat unsettled by her absence. As she rode down the lift, she tried to recall the last time Margaret had failed to make her appearance, and she couldn’t remember a single time. About the only thing Clara respected about Margaret was her strict adherence to routine, the two shared that trait. She was annoyed by this breach of Margaret’s routine, as it disrupted her own.

Clara rode down to the main floor and entered the little café. She glanced at her watch; 8:45. Good, I’m early. Richard won’t be here for another fifteen minutes. Richard Everett was her lover, a distinguished artist. She smiled at the memory of Margaret’s face when she’d heard. Margaret had been chasing Richard for months, but Clara had known better. Men don’t want to be chased, they want to be lured. She lured Richard, but she knew she needed to be careful. Margaret wouldn’t give up, and she did stand a chance. Margaret was low class, certainly, but she was also beautiful, and younger than Clara by fifteen years. And Richard, for his part, was only a man.

Clara felt her chest tighten up at the thought. She took a deep breath, and carefully placed an expression of relaxed indifference on her face. She ordered tea and scones.

The minutes ticked by, the tea and scones came, and she nibbled a bit. Richard didn’t come. The question of why she hadn’t met Margaret at the elevator began to eat at her. Clara’s face felt too hot, and she dabbed at her forehead with her napkin. Neither Richard nor Margaret were where they were supposed to be. Clara tossed her napkin on the table. The waitress gave her a nervous look as she ran back to the elevator.

At Richard’s door she tried to calm down, telling herself that she could be wrong, and knocked. No answer. She knocked again, this time louder, then she called for him. Again, no answer. Finally Clara flung open the door and stormed into Richard’s room. There he sat on the edge of his bed, his long grey hair a stringy mess. Next to him sat a half-naked Margaret.

“You tramp! You thing!” Clara yelled, flinging herself at Margaret. She ripped and she pulled at Margaret’s hair, slapping her and screaming. Soon two men rushed in.

Clara felt a prick in her arm, and sometime later she awoke. She was lying in a bare room with mint green walls on a stretcher, strapped down in restraints. She lifted her head as much as she could, still groggy from the sedative and antipsychotic, and saw her doctor standing in the doorway.

“I’ve gone again, haven’t I?” she mumbled. He nodded.

“Staff noticed a problem in the cafeteria and called security. By the time they found you, you were in Richard’s old room, fighting your sister’s ghost again, I imagine.” This time Clara nodded. “It’s lucky the room isn’t occupied at the moment Clara, you could have hurt someone. Have you been vomiting up your meds again?” He took a few steps closer and his face came into light. Clara smiled a bit through the haze. He was kind, and he looked like her father did when she was a little girl. Dapper, that’s the word.

“They make me foggy. I can’t think, can’t write. Can I go back to my room now?” she asked.

“No, Clara. Not yet. Soon. We just need to draw some blood first, check those levels.” Clara laid her head back down, it was so heavy. She stared at the ceiling until the dots began to swirl. I’ll always be broken, I can’t be fixed.

 

6-5-18

Her

The cockroach scampers

over a half-eaten

apple

on the altar.

The sick-sweet stench

of rot

hangs thick,

like a noxious

mist.

 

The air is littered

with dying things.

The wind shrieks

and there is a whirring

in my ears.

I can not keep

my balance.

 

Everything

breaks down

around me;

a rolling process

separating

what is

into less and less

substantial

forms.

 

I can taste the stale

mold,

dusty and choking,

its spores

filling my lungs.

 

I greet

Her–

the reality behind

life’s illusion;

its nourishment,

its origins,

as well as its

endings.

5-3-18

Humanity

Locked doors

barred tight

danger lurks

beyond sight

“progress” kills

nuclear war

oldest profession

that of a

whore.

2002

Origins, Then and Now

Then

Fantasies

of a piece long

lost

discovering its

puzzle.

The great

return,

where I make

sense

amid the teeming

masses

of confused

and confusing

humans.

 

Now

Fantasies ripped

and torn,

destroyed by the

one

from whose belly

I was

cut

before being sent

far away

to those who would

come to

regret their

purchase.

5-1-18

Let Them

Let the world

tear at me

from every side.

Let them burn me

in effigy.

Let them

hate me.

I am used to it.

Could it be

any other

way?

 

Silence,

I understand.

Taunting,

accusations,

and thinly veiled contempt,

I accept

as my usual

fare.

 

So let them.

Let them push,

and tear,

and burn,

and scowl.

I will still

be.

There is nothing

they can do

about

that.

4-6-18

 

 

The Year of Broken Promises

This was the year of broken promises,

the year of shattered illusions,

the year of systematic

pulling of the rugs

from beneath

my

feet.

 

Everything known is lost,

everything believed,

proved false.

All of the pretense

has been

stripped

bare.

 

Naked,

I stand before the mirror.

Alone,

I crumble or I rise.

4-2-15

The Torrent

A slow drip

at first,

and the groan

of bending

steel.

 

The drip becomes

a stream,

and the stream becomes

a river,

then the sound of tearing

metal

slices through me.

 

A crash,

and a torrent

of the washed up

dreams

and the shattered

stained-glass

walls

of my own broken

psyche

pour out

onto the street.

 

They slide into the gutter

and slip down

below,

with all the other

refuse.

4-25-18

The Storm

The storm

wails deep inside;

it slams against the walls

and threatens to overtake me.

I feel the ground begin to slip away;

it crumbles into the dark wind.

That wind crumbles me too.

I’ll not escape

the storm.

 

4-24-18

How to Survive

Write.

Sit down and write,

and then write some more.

Process, process, process.

Digest every last bit

life throws at you

on paper.

Vomit your truth

all over that page.

Repeat.

This is the only way I know

to survive.

 

4-6-18

I am Good for Words

I am good for

words,

that is all

I am for.

Not to be seen,

touched, loved,

understood or

cherished;

only heard,

or rather,

read.

 

In person,

I am avoided.

My time is spent

alone.

The world stands

at a distance.

I reach out my hand

to touch,

and humanity

recoils.

 

Difficult.

Emotional.

Unstable.

Unnatural.

Unsuitable

for social

life.

 

So I pass notes.

I write my soul

on little slips of paper

and I fold them up

with care,

before I scoot them

under the door

to the outside

world.

Sometimes,

people read them.

 

 

4-5-18

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