Baudrillard in the Bathroom

Sitting on the toilet seat in my bathroom smoking weed and cigarettes while reading Baudrillard, as my teenager sits on my bed playing Minecraft on my realm with their friend who is pretending to be a famous British streamer.

 

And writing. Writing this nonsense about nonsense for no reason, while thinking of the hyperreal, as it spreads across all of what once was real, consuming and destroying and replacing everything in its wake. I don’t even know if I care anymore, because what is the point if we are all just being dragged and drugged by inertia and dopamine away from the real, the tangible, and into the hyperreal?

 

This is my horror. This is why the only safety I can imagine is a log cabin deep in the woods, on hundreds of acres, with a good source of fresh water and fish; a river or a large and clean lake. Nowhere else is safe, and even there, buried in the depths of the woods, no doubt I would soon begin to see drones advertising VR, or the Metaverse, or AI, or Elon’s Next Big Savior Tech.

 

Soon after, I’m quite certain, the government, in their great “concern for my welfare,” would forcefully move me to some infested rat hole in an overcrowded digitally run city, and have me prescribed daily doses of VR (under threat of confinement in a psych ward) to cure my delusion that reality has inherent value, simply for being real. Simply for the truth of it. We are all well and truly fucked, my friends, and I’ll toke and smoke to that.

2/11/2022

Cowering in Shadows

Cowering in shadows,

I crawl amongst the soil,

fleeing from the echoes

that bind my brain like coils.

 

(Nothing happens as it should,

and all goes wrong that ever could.)

 

Squatting between dumpsters,

scratching at the dirt,

hiding all the bruises

that I pretend don’t hurt.

 

(Never say I didn’t try,

and never will they see me cry.)

 

Nothing really matters

when you’re in my head;

if you have to stay there,

I’d rather just be dead.

 

(Silence is a precious thing

without which I will bear no wings.)

 

Comfort, I don’t want now,

suffering’s my home.

if you would, please leave me,

I’d like to be alone.

 

(Softly please, now close the door,

you don’t belong here anymore.)

 

9/29/2025

Infested City

The city streets

Are a tangle

of pheromones.

 

Reptiles

Huddled in the

greasy sand

Sleep

Amid tired

Butterflies

Flitting lazily

Towards

Annihilation.

 

Strange figures

Walk slowly through

The alleyways.

Devotees of rot

Draped in yards of

Fine woven

Fabric,

Dyed the colors

Of mold

And the city

At night,

Make a solemn

Procession

To nowhere.

 

Their robes swirl

Violently

Behind them.

The fabric dances

In the fetid

Breeze

That gusts

Perpetually

Through the

Concrete valleys,

Like storm clouds

Raging

Too close to the

Ground.

 

Infants wail as they pass,

And shadows

Cower.

They scatter their

Mildewed seed

Amid the waste

As they chant

In empty

Melodies,

With words long

Forgotten,

A spell to wake

The end.

 

They invoke,

As they scatter,

Something hollow.

Another,

They say,

Who will arise

From their garbled

Invocations;

One nourished by

Apathy,

Who will take root

And grow

In the barren soil

Built up

In the cracks

Of a crumbling

Infrastructure.

 

The equator

Of the dark of the moon

Is reflected here.

 

Here,

Hidden from the

Lifeless shops,

Where monks chant

And worms

Slither,

The mirror

Is held high–

Showing

The mosquitoes

Their faces,

While they suck

On the life

Of their

Artificial

Host.

 

9/19/25

 

 

The Fall of a House

Predators circle

Inside the palace walls–

Draped in silk,

They slip between the marble columns

Like ghosts

Amid the usual

Courtiers.

 

With poisoned whispers

They sting the royal family,

Turning one against

The other,

Until all

Become suspect

To all.

 

Wolves howl

In the distance,

As a slivered moon

Sinks

Below the coastal

Horizon.

 

The day breaks,

And hounds in the courtyard

Tear

At the torso of a

Dead prince.

 

 

Another house has fallen.

 

9/19/25

Autumn Nights

As the days start to shrink

How the memories roll,

They burn through the mind

Like a lump of lit coal.

When the sun, it sinks down,

And the darkness draws near,

The crackling flames

Are the main things I hear.

In the red smokey glow,

In the deep of the night,

I walk through the ash

Of a million old fights.

The last fires, they burn,

Amid embers of old,

And through them I drift

Searching for bits of soul.

As the night wraps me up

In a moonless embrace,

A shroud of abyss,

It slips over my face.

As the world fades away,

And I fade away too,

The knots deep inside,

They begin to undo.

No more games of pretend,

No more masks to try on,

They’re all stripped away

One by one ’till they’re gone.

Now the night calls me close,

The void whispers “come here,

For in my embrace

There is nothing to fear.”

I dive deep into black,

Let it wash me away,

And now it’s all gone,

No more pleasure or pain.

9/18/25

The 1st Superstition

There were many superstitions for us growing up (all numbered, as per tradition in our small community) ranging from those viewed as trivial (like the 17th Superstition: if you spill your milk, then you must throw salt over your left shoulder to avoid a plague of minor annoyances for the next week or so) to those viewed as cataclysmic (like the 34th Superstition: if you don’t leave an offering of bread and honey for the household spirits every morning, then they will wreak actual havoc on the lives of the household, instead of giving their usual assistance).

The 1st Superstition, however, was sacrosanct. There were laws on the books concerning it, in our town. We weren’t even allowed to name it in voices above a hushed whisper, or risk a ticket and a hefty fine if a cop heard you. Three tickets landed a person in jail or juvie for six months, so this was not taken lightly.

My little sister hated it. All of it. She was seventeen at the time, and was oh so very modern and skeptical. She didn’t believe in any of that “old fashioned nonsense,” and really believed that all of the problems in her life that caused her so much grief amounted to a simple string of random occurrences, rather than her own refusal to participate in “those stupid traditions.”

Sure, she avoided mentioning the 1st Superstition, like everyone did, because she didn’t want to get a ticket or a lecture from our parents (and removal of privileges like her phone), but she absolutely would not throw the salt if she spilled the milk, and she certainly wasn’t leaving any offerings for the “imaginary” household spirits.

My little sister was a walking disaster, and the effects of her actions rebounded on all those around her (the 34th Superstition affected whole households, after all, and there were plenty of others that affected friends, neighborhoods, or extended family as well). Neighbors constantly complained, and my sister was regularly in trouble with her school. My sister felt the worst of the effects, of course, as her actions were the cause.

Every boyfriend she ever had cheated on her, and every meal she tried to make came out inedible. She perpetually walked around with a sprained this or a pulled that. Literally nothing went her way. We all knew why, but she couldn’t acknowledge the reality that everyone else could plainly see.

Finally, after breaking her right leg and left arm while riding a bicycle (slowly, during daylight hours, and along a level, unpeopled, and smoothly paved bike trail), our parents got her an appointment at the local mental health clinic for an evaluation. I was relieved, and believed an end to this insanity she had fixated on would soon arrive. I was also annoyed that our parents had delayed taking action for so long.

It was understandable, though. What parent wants to believe that their daughter’s mental state would not return to a more healthy place on its own, once it had drifted so far outside the norm? For three years they had believed it was just a passing rebellious phase, and that she would eventually grow out of it. But she never did, and the consequences compounded over time, so in the end, they made the call.

I insisted that I would go along for the ride to make sure my sister didn’t convince our mother that this was all blown way out of proportion, and to take her back home instead. When the day arrived, my sister hobbled into the waiting room at the clinic huffing and puffing and complaining nonstop about the stupidity of bringing her there in the first place. There was nothing whatsoever wrong with her, she insisted, aside from having a backwards family and living in a backwards town. The leg and arm were due to her own inherent clumsiness, and nothing more.

Unsurprisingly, the psychologist at the clinic diagnosed her with a disorder that is unique to our town, and maybe a dozen or so others throughout the world: Delusional Denial of Superstition, or DDS. The symptoms were easy to spot, even by the average layperson, and my parents had arrived at a point where if they hadn’t taken action, the school was threatening to call child welfare services on them for the medical neglect of a minor, and the police for serious violations of public safety laws. We were not well loved in our neighborhood, and I had hoped that my parent’s decision to finally seek evaluation and treatment for my sister would allow us, as a family, to reintegrate into the daily social fabric of our community.

People with symptoms of DDS were, again, easy to spot. They had a history of denying the copious evidence that supports the reality of superstitions in this, and a small number of other known towns, scattered across the globe (each with their own unique, though related, numbered systems of superstitions), and their lives and the lives of those around them were therefore in utter disarray from their own refusal to abide by the superstitions of the respective towns in which they lived.

The fact that so few towns have such demonstrably real superstitions means that the outside world ignorantly reinforces the delusion at every turn, and DDS sufferers place great value on the views of the outside world. The internet brought with it near epidemic levels of DDS, and extreme measures had to be taken to protect the citizenry in towns like ours (which had become full-blown disaster areas within a frighteningly short period of time) including confinement in special DDS wards.

My sister was too young to remember the crisis, but I did. It had been terrifying to live through as a 10 year old child, but my sister, the product of an unexpected yet welcomed pregnancy, was born right in the middle of it all.

This was the world in which we lived, and this was the disorder that had snatched up my little sister. If only she had been seen at an earlier stage, things may have turned out very differently, but such is life and what’s done is done.

When she heard the psychologist say that she had a severe case of DDS, my sister got so angry that she screamed, bolted to her feet, and hobbled outside just as fast as her crutches would allow. Our mother and I trailed behind cautiously, while the psychologist clutched at her chest and exclaimed “well, I never!”

My sister hobbled rapidly across the parking lot, and then proceeded to weave her way through the slow moving traffic to cross the street, towards the grassy and tree-strewn town square, with its adjoining park, botanical gardens, and aviary. I was sure that she was heading to her favorite spot, a little nook with a bench in some shade between the botanical gardens and the aviary. It was where she always went to calm down when she was upset, so my mother and I weren’t concerned to see her heading in that direction. It’s what we both expected the moment she stood and hobbled out of the clinic.

As my sister made her way through the town square, however, she didn’t turn left on the path towards her spot when she reached it. She continued right past the fountains, and directly towards the very center of the town square. At this point my mother dropped her purse and began to run after my sister like the devil himself was chasing her. She must have realized what my sister was about to do, though the thought hadn’t even occured to me because it was, frankly, unthinkable.

Only as my sister dropped her crutches and awkwardly began to climb the thirteen steps of the monument where the town bell hung, did it finally register. I realized there was no time to stop her, and watched in horror as my little sister neared the top of the steps.

The town bell had only ever been wrung once, at the celebration of the founding of our town some 250 years before, and it was never to be wrung again, by superstition backed by law.

At the top my little sister paused, then turned to look at our now frantic mother who had tripped on a picnic basket and was screaming “nooooo!” as she scrambled back to her feet, then she spun back around on her one good foot, grabbed the raggedy old rope hanging from the center of the bell, and with a wild shriek, she rang it. She rang it relentlessly, with all her might, over and over and over again, as she screamed in rage and pent up frustration, until she finally went limp and collapsed.

At the precise moment that she let go of the rope, every building in the entire town shattered. Every road shuddered until it completely broke apart. Cars exploded into flames and bridges disintegrated into rubble.

The screams were maddening. I can still hear them in the back of my mind. They never stop. The scene became an instant hellscape. The entire town was engulfed in smoke and flames and flying debris. It all lasted for around three minutes. At the end of it all, the only people left alive were those who weren’t in, on, or near any large man-made structures. The monument itself was the only large man-made structure to remain, and it was left perfectly untouched.

In such a small space of time, the entire town was destroyed, along with my sister and mother, whom I had to helplessly watch die. I myself narrowly survived, having hidden between some boulders in the square once I realized what she was about to do. I sustained serious injuries, however, that have left me paralyzed from the waist down and missing an arm. My town, my loved ones, and almost everyone I had ever known were suddenly gone. They were all destroyed the day my little sister violated the 1st Superstition.

9/17/25

Shred Me

Shred me.

Tear me up

and leave me wasted.

Crawl inside me

and poison me

from the inside out.

 

I’m dead anyway.

I was done the instant

I saw you,

standing in the afternoon sun

amid the straggling

crowd.

 

So obliterate me.

You know you can,

and somewhere inside,

you know you want to.

 

Give me mercy.

Put me down like a rabid dog

and end this nightmare

I’m trapped in.

 

There is no

life after you.

 

3-20-20

Flying Towards Destruction

I feel the rip–

all raw edges and ragged bits

of impossibility,

tucked somewhere inside

my gut.

 

The pain should be enough

to keep me

from the knife,

but the cut is an addiction

all its own.

 

Soon I will be ribbons;

just fluttering red strips

of my soul

in the wind.

 

Still,

fate isn’t easily resisted,

and I fly

towards my own destruction

aware.

 

3-19-20

Hung with My Own Illusions

Dipped in liquid

fire,

you tore me

from my

stupor,

and hung me

with my

own

illusions,

until my eyes

had cleared

once

more.

 

7-7-19

* Written for Loki… the god, not Tom  Hiddleston’s Marvel character

 

While the World Erupts

Clover fields

and sun-drenched skies,

wispy clouds,

they are but lies.

 

Everyone

is shrill, is cold–

nothing’s real,

they’ve lost their souls.

 

Smiling kids

with viper’s fangs

ring their bells–

for death, they clang.

 

Lovers in

their secret rooms

turn to dust

inside their tombs.

 

Nations rise

while others fall

but this time

death comes for all.

 

Shadows play

before my eyes,

whispering

what next will die.

 

Go along

and play your games

while the world

erupts in flames.

 

7-7-19

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